


you count up all my scars, crumble them into stars

by mikotoh



Series: ive been down on my knees, and you just keep on getting closer [6]
Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Almost Drowning, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Aquaphobia, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Breakfast, Bullying, Comfort/Angst, Cooking, Dorks in Love, Fluff and Angst, Foster Care, Gay John Marston, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sex, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Kissing, Lazy Mornings, M/M, Morning After, Morston Week 2020, Near Death Experiences, Near Drowning, No Smut, Ocean, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Suicide Attempt, Past Violence, Picnics, Promiscuity, Self-Esteem Issues, Sharing Clothes, Slurs, Sunsets, john marston has low self-esteem, no slut shaming, past self-harm, the f slur specifically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:35:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26022778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikotoh/pseuds/mikotoh
Summary: John and Arthur go to the beach (much to the latter's chagrin).Part of this is what I originally wrote for Morston Week 2020's day two prompt (borrowing clothes), before I wrote the first section of the band AU and posted that instead so I could publish this series in the proper order.
Relationships: John Marston/Arthur Morgan
Series: ive been down on my knees, and you just keep on getting closer [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1874416
Comments: 10
Kudos: 26
Collections: Morston Week 2020





	you count up all my scars, crumble them into stars

**Author's Note:**

> obligatory 'john cant swim and is afraid of water' chapter!

It was bizarre for Arthur to wake up the next morning and see John asleep next to him, in his bed. 

But in a good way.

After their shower together, a suitable night of debauchery ensued and exhausted the two of them completely, to the point that Arthur still felt just a bit tired as he sat up and stretched his arms out above his head.

He looked at John sound asleep and snoring into his pillow next to him and smiled softly, reaching over to thumb away some of the drool from the corner of his mouth.

John's face twitched slightly in his sleep at the touch, but other than that he remained undisturbed.

Arthur just kept on smiling as he raised a hand to gently ruffle John's hair, pressing a kiss to the top of his head afterwards before pulling himself up from the bed.

Now that they were in his house and not at some motel after sleeping together, he had a chance to show off his cooking skills.

Even if they were probably only mediocre at best.

Arthur was about two-thirds of the way through cooking breakfast when he heard the floor creaking behind him. 

He turned to look but caught himself blushing a bit at the sight of John in nothing but one of Arthur's shirts and a pair of underwear, his hair even more of a mess than usual. 

God, he felt like a dumb teenager in love.

The older man turned back to his cooking then in an attempt to hide his embarrassment, as John yawned and sat at the kitchen table.

"Mornin'."

"You're up sooner than I thought you'd be."

"I'm hungry, what can I say. Didn't take you for a housewife, though."

"I'm a housewife just because I can cook?"

John propped himself up on his hands before shaking his head slightly.

"Nah, I take that back. You need to get a pink, frilly apron. _Then_ you'll be a housewife."

Arthur laughed a bit and started plating their breakfast.

"I might wear one if you buy it for me."

"And nothing else?"

"You'll just have to wait and see, now, won't you?"

He switched off the stove then and picked up their plates of food, setting one in front of John with a fork before sitting at the other chair.

"Thanks. Smells good."

"I'm definitely spoiling you, so don't take it for granted."

"Sure you are."

After a couple minutes of eating together in amicable silence, Arthur glanced up and noticed that John also wasn't wearing his choker. His eyes traced the faded scar across John's neck before looking back down at his food.

"... Any plans for today?"

John shrugged as he stabbed at a piece of meat with his fork.

"Not really. Don't got work, so I'll probably just… drink and play video games at home, I guess."

Arthur took a moment to think to himself then, before he reached over and put his free hand on top of John's, staring off into another direction in an attempt to act coy.

"... We could do something together. If ya want."

John raised an eyebrow in response.

"You got something in mind?"

"I dunno. I just… wanna keep hanging out with you, is all."

He supposed that should have been a given, considering they'd confessed their love to each other just last night.

But it was still a bit hard to admit for some reason.

Arthur heard John snort with laughter across from him at the table.

"Man, forget us being teenagers. Now you sound like an honest to God middle schooler."

The older man cracked a smile as he ran his fingertips over the top of John's hand.

"Is that a yes?"

"Depends on what you wanna do."

Although John was well aware that was a lie; he'd be down for just about anything Arthur wanted.

But that didn't mean he couldn't tease his boyfriend a little.

Arthur set his fork aside and rubbed at his facial hair in thought.

"... We could go to the beach. Have a swim, and maybe pack a picnic lunch? I have a blanket we could bring along too. It's real nice out, so it'd be a shame to waste the weather stayin' indoors."

Well. He'd be down for _almost_ anything.

John's eyes went wide as he felt himself completely freeze up.

"The… beach?"

"Yeah. I ain't been to the ocean in a while. And I've got a suit you could borrow."

The younger man swallowed hard and drew his hand away from Arthur's so he could nervously fidget with the toast on his plate.

And Arthur could sense right away that something was wrong with his suggestion.

"... Or not, it's fine. Whatever you wanna do-"

"No!"

He stared in surprise at John suddenly cutting him off, watching as the younger man drew in a shaky breath.

"I mean… no, we can… do that. Go to the beach, and… and stuff. Sounds… fun."

Another obvious lie.

Arthur squinted a little. Whatever it was that bothered him about the idea, it was clear John didn't want to talk about it. 

Or, perhaps, he didn't want to seem afraid.

Eventually Arthur sighed a little before putting on a smile, standing up from the table afterward and reaching for their now-empty plates.

"Alright. Guess it's a date, then."

\--- 

As much as John would have liked to enjoy their picnic together, all he could think about as they sat in the shade near the shore was the water not too far in the distance.

The large body of water, that is.

Ponds and rivers made him somewhat nervous too, but not nearly as much as lakes and the ocean did.

Whenever he looked at them for too long, the only thoughts that crossed his mind were of him sinking down into the dark abyss, gasping for air as he tried in vain to claw his way back up to the surface.

It was why he tried to keep his eyes on anywhere else but the sea in the distance as they ate, although it was a damn struggle to.

In the meantime Arthur had a guess as to why John was so nervous but kept it to himself; he didn't want to push him into confessing something he wasn't ready to talk about yet, especially if it made him embarrassed.

So he did his best to keep the younger man occupied with an (admittedly poor) attempt at conversation.

"I need to go riding again. Have you ever been on a horse?"

"No."

"Well, I'd be happy to teach you. Pa had me riding pretty much as soon as I could walk."

John nodded but his stare was fixed on the blanket underneath them, his thoughts clearly not on their current discussion.

Arthur watched him carefully before wiping at his brow with the back of his hand.

"Whew. It's hot out."

He stood up then and tugged his shirt off to toss it aside.

"I'm just gonna take a quick dip to cool off. You can… stay here, if ya want. Won't be long."

At that comment though John finally met his boyfriend's line of sight with a frown, followed by him standing up as well.

"No, I'll… I'll come with."

Arthur raised an eyebrow in response, but didn't say anything else as he turned around and started walking to the ocean.

And yet, John made no move to pull his own shirt off before he followed behind Arthur - almost as if he knew, subconsciously, that there was no way in hell he was going in.

Once they reached the shoreline Arthur wasted no time stepping out into the water and wading until he was about hip deep.

It wasn't too cold, but cool enough that it felt better than sitting around in the blazing heat.

When he looked back to shore he saw John stuck firmly in place on the sand with his arms tightly crossed across his chest, still a good few feet away from the sea.

Against his better judgement, he made a motion for the younger man to come closer.

But John didn't say anything, or hell, even move, at all. 

Just stood there staring at the ocean.

Considering he was almost always fidgeting at any given moment, that wasn't a good sign.

Arthur furrowed his brow in worry before quickly heading back through the water towards John, reaching out to pat his shoulder gently once he was by his side.

"Hey, are you-"

John flinched violently away from the touch with a hiss, startling Arthur into jerking his arm back.

"John?"

The younger man squeezed his eyes shut as he further hugged his arms to his body.

"Don't."

"Don't what, John? Touch you?"

"No. Just, don't… Please don't make me go in the water."

And then John could feel his chest getting tight as his breath started coming out in short bursts, gradually getting faster by the second until he was full-on hyperventilating.

"I-I… I can't..."

Arthur's eyes went wide at the sight and he quickly switched into emergency mode as he put an arm around John and held onto him tightly, while his free hand grabbed onto one of John's own.

"John. Breathe. It's okay. You don't have to go in. It's alright. You're completely safe. _Breathe._ "

John just barely nodded in response as Arthur gently lowered him into sitting down on the sand, before the older man shifted onto his knees in front of him so he could block his view of the ocean.

"Hey. Look at me. You're here. I'm here. I'm here, and I'd never let anything bad happen to you. Just look at me and breathe."

He wasn't sure how long it took, but with enough reassurance John's breathing eventually began to steady and he managed to look Arthur in the eyes.

"... Okay. Yeah. I'm… I'm safe."

Arthur let out a heavy sigh of relief then before gently squeezing John's hand with a small smile.

"You are. You're safe. I promise."

After a few more minutes John carefully stood back up, and the two of them retreated to their picnic.

Once they were under the tree with their set-up again, Arthur dropped the smile and quickly encircled John with a hug.

"I… I'm sorry, John. I shoulda… I knew something was wrong, but I was an idiot and went out into the water anyway, even though I knew you were trying to act like you weren't scared. I shoulda just stayed put. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

John kept his arms at his sides during the embrace though, and when Arthur pulled away he quickly hid his face behind one hand.

"No, it's… it's me. It's stupid, so stupid…"

"Don't say that. Everyone's afraid of something."

"Then what are _you_ afraid of?"

There was a bite behind John's words, and it caught Arthur off guard enough that the other man spoke again before he could think of what to say.

"It's not just me being afraid of water. It's… it's everything wrong with me, Arthur. I got that, I got… what I tried to do in the past…"

He reached up and gripped at his neck then, as if to emphasize the point while also hiding his scar once again.

"I don't know what you see in me. I really don't. You're just… so perfect, and I'm… I'm a mess you have to constantly try and clean up. One problem after another. You don't... deserve that."

John went quiet as he ducked his head down, leaving Arthur momentarily at a loss for words.

But maybe words weren't what he needed right now.

Once he regained his train of thought Arthur reached over and put his hands on both sides of John's face, forcing him to look up before he pressed their lips together with an intensity his boyfriend quite frankly had never seen before.

John stared at Arthur into the kiss for a second until he finally let his eyes flutter shut, gingerly reaching up afterward and holding Arthur's face in his own hands with an identical grip.

Only when he needed to breathe did Arthur eventually break the kiss, and even then he kept their faces close as he lowered his voice to almost a whisper.

"I am _not_ perfect, John. I ain't sure where the hell you got that idea from, but it's not true. I have my problems too and my own fears, even if they're not of something tangible like water. I'm… afraid of other things. I'm afraid of letting people down, I'm afraid of never being enough for my dad. And for a long time I was afraid I was doomed to be alone, partly because I didn't want to acknowledge the other half of my sexuality."

He took in a deep breath then and moved a hand up from John's face to run it through his hair.

"I got a past, too. I was… Well. Me and Dad and Pa were crooks. Criminals. We robbed and scammed and sometimes used violence to get our way. That's how I grew up, and it's taken me a long time to move on from how it was before. Now I try not to talk about it if I don't have to, but I just… need you to know you're not alone. I told you before I got baggage, and I weren't lying. I don't judge you for yours, and not for anything from before I was around either. Be pretty hypocritical of me if I did, I reckon."

With that he titled his head up to press a kiss to John's forehead, followed by him bumping both of theirs together as he dropped his eyes to the ground.

"We're in this together, John. You're stuck with me whether you like it or not. And I've got you. That's… what being in love is, I think."

Silence fell between the two of them then, only being broken when John started sniffling to himself and rubbing at his eyes.

Arthur looked back up at the sound and put on a soft smile as he reached up to thumb the tears from John's eyes.

"You can cry, you know. I don't mind."

"I'm _not_ crying."

"Whatever you say, sweetheart."

John pouted a little before he enveloped Arthur in another hug, this time pressing his face into the other man's shoulder.

And they stayed like that for quite some time, holding onto each other tightly while listening to the sound of the waves and the sea breeze behind them.

\---

It wasn't long before the sun was already starting to set, and with John giving the okay they made their way up a large nearby hill overlooking the ocean to watch.

Arthur could feel John holding onto his hand with a death grip, but he still managed to (mostly) stay calm as they sat near the edge of the grassy cliff. 

Not too close, though.

"... I'm an orphan."

Arthur looked over at John when he spoke but didn't say anything, instead watching as he fidgeted his hands together.

"I didn't know my mom. She died… when I was born. And Dad went too, when I was eight. I got put into foster homes then, one after another."

He paused to gather his thoughts before drawing in a shaky breath.

"When I was ten… I was in a house with a bunch of older boys that liked to pick on me. We lived on the outside of town, almost in the country and not too far from a lake. Well, one day the foster mom took us all out there for 'fun', and the other boys…"

John swallowed hard as Arthur moved to rest a comforting hand on his leg.

"They grabbed me. Dragged me to the dock and pushed me off. I kept telling them I couldn't swim but they didn't care. They just laughed at me while I was trying to get back up. And then one of the boys jumped in and… shoved me underwater and held me down."

At that revelation, Arthur could feel his teeth clench tightly in anger.

"I don't know how deep it was, but I started sinking even without that other kid pushing me down. I thought… I really thought I was gonna die. I remember opening my eyes underwater but it was all murky and dark, and my chest felt like it was going to explode. And then the only thing I could see anymore was… black."

At that point John's hands had started to shake, and he ended up pressing them between his legs in an attempt to get them to still.

"Next thing I know, I'm on the dock and my foster dad is pounding my chest to get the water out while the mom was screaming at the kids in the background. After that, things are kind of hazy, I think because I was just so... freaked out. I mostly remember beating the living hell out of those boys the next day. I'd never been in a fight like that before, but they left me alone from then on. It taught me that the only way to survive in foster care was to toughen up and always throw the first punch before they do it to you."

He let out a sigh then and scooted a bit closer to Arthur.

"Went to more homes after that, until I turned sixteen and finally just… bolted. Lived on the streets for a while. Met some girl with a kid out there who helped me properly start my life. She was real feisty, but had a good heart. Got lucky one night and ended up mugging some rich dude covered in every type of jewel you can imagine. Pawned 'em and gave all the money to her so she and her boy could get a home. And eventually, I found a job and got my own place too."

A wry smile crept across his face as he turned back to Arthur. "It's pretty crappy, though, which is why I don't want you over. But it's mine."

When it was clear John was finished with his story (at least for now), Arthur grabbed his satchel and fumbled around inside until he found his cigarettes and lighter.

He wordlessly lit two up before passing one over to John, who took it without a second thought.

They sat and smoked in silence as the sun finished its descent under the horizon, the night quickly creeping up and over them as the ocean became shrouded in darkness.

"... I'm sorry, John. About… everything that happened to you. I know that doesn't mean anything, but I am."

John chuckled bitterly to himself and leaned over to rest his head against Arthur's shoulder.

"It wasn't all bad. Figured out I was gay somewhere in there. Beat up a number of dudebros that called me a fag. And sometimes ended up sucking off the one guy they were friends with that was in the closet."

Arthur laughed a little as he reached for John's free hand and held it, intertwining their fingers.

"Been with a lot of guys, then?"

"Too many to count. Why, does it bother you?"

"Nah. So long as you didn't catch something. Don't want you dying on me all of a sudden."

John felt his cheeks heat up a bit at the older man's sudden earnestness.

"... Don't worry, I'm not _that_ stupid."

"You know, I ain't too sure of that sometimes."

With that John grinned and lightly punched Arthur in the arm.

"You're full of shit, you know that?"

Arthur returned the grin as he craned his neck a bit and pressed a kiss to the top of John's head.

"And you love me anyway."

"Yeah, well. Right back atcha, Morgan."

**Author's Note:**

> tfw youve literally had panic attacks before but end up looking up the symptoms for them anyway just to be sure
> 
> also arthurs dad = dutch and pa = hosea, just in case you couldnt have guessed
> 
> title is from the song night swimmers by foals


End file.
